The abusive journey of my life started since I was really naive to this earth. Depended on someone to help me to figure out this life. It wasn't always a smooth journey for me.
I'm not sure if I reminded that person of someone that she really hates or she's just a privileged person that get to enjoy all the perks in life. Everytime I'm dragged down to that particular memory lane, my heart feels congested, such an excruciating pain that I'm not sure should i cry or should I be mad.
Don't get me wrong. I'm passed what I have gone through. But it's me being human whenever I was brought back down to negative memory lane, my reflexes are there. There's no doubt I'll feel something no matter how enlightened I am.
You can name any utensils in the kitchen that she have used on me. From pots, pans to sharp objects like knife. Till this day I could remember very clearly how wounded I was. How swollen and blue black my body was. I was a tiny person that knows nothing. Just stand there still when instructed even though I know what's coming but I was too afraid to move. But one thing for sure back then was I was never afraid to die.
I can't remember at what age that I was almost in the verge of death. My vision were slowly darkened. I remembered clearly at that time I asked God to please take me away. Lift up this burden. Death is painful. This is so torturous. My tiny body can't take it! I was in such excrutiating pain. I can't breath well. Slowly but surely lesser and lesser oxygen flow into that tiny body of mine.
I am so sad for my younger me. Poor little Sofia. But you know what God decided not to take me away yet. The torture stopped and I survived. Sometimes I asked myself why do I exist at that time.
Why she need to fuck and gave birth to me? I never asked to be born to this earth. NOT ONCE! Multiple times she called me whore, slut, i'm not her child, she picked me up from somewhere. If a person were to say that to a child that they love, it's fine but to a child that was being abused, he/she will take it seriously.
Once before she wanted to pour hot boiling water on me. She deliberate boiled water and chased me all over the house with the kettle filled with boiling water. The only room in that house that have lock at the door was her room. So, I ran into her room and threatened to call the police. She said a lot of vulgarity to me. Even when I wanted to call the police, she wasn't afraid because in the 80s child abuse wasn't recognised yet.
So, the figure that a child rely on for safety was long gone. She was left alone bruised, hurt, sad, afraid, devastated with no one to lend her their voice. The apologies that she got for me was all fake! In which, at most times, no apology at all. As if what was done to me was fair and just. It happened on the daily. I just gave up and live life one day at a time. Never looking forward for the next ticking second much less the next day.
Now, I want to be an advocate for children. I will be their eyes, ears and voice. I'll be their first defence when they need one. I'll make sure they'll be 'awake' at an early age that they don't deserve to be treated like that and it's absolutely not normal.
My advocacy journey begins now. From this very second forward, I'll make sure that no child will be abuse in my watch. I'm a very passionate, detailed oriented and observant individual. Just that I was in the wrong career path. Now I am where I'm supposed to be. The children needs me.
No one needs to be abused or neglected. Especially children.