I've been too long for me dining without my full family around. Some are "missing" and some have "travelled" to a place that have no return ticket. I've kind of forgotten what it's like to dine together with family. Sometimes when I see people together with their family I get jealous especially when they are with their mom. Being nice to each other.
A chance I'll never ever get to experience till end of time due to the non existence of that figure in my life. I am grateful with what I am blessed with. Wonderful dad and sister. Sometimes I felt that they are all I truly needed and sometimes I feel I need to find myself a life parter as I've seen my sister live life better with one.
But again to think of it, life is never perfect. People are not perfect and I'm a perfectionist. I'm afraid that if I ever get myself involved with someone, I'll hurt that person in a million ways or mine. I felt i'm not ready to welcome another living human in my life even though my life on this universe is running out of time.
When I was little I remembered dining together with my family for iftar. Even for sahur we were together. That's the beauty of Ramadan bringing people together during "food time".
Once upon a time, I remembered praying profusely to be in a space where no one knows me and I could create new bridges of family and friend. That prayers of mine was many donkey years ago but only now God granted me that prayer.
A lot of people have fallen off my life. I totally did a clearance of human in my life. Honestly, a lot of them is not needed in my current life and what I want to do. I came to a realisation that we need to wear a lot of masks to manoeuvre life juggling several pretentious humans.
Honestly, I have juggle, pretending, making it out looking as if it's ok when it really is not ok. My heart is not able to to that. I am a person "what you see is what you get". I don't put out a facade make believe that i'm a good person and ok with shitty people being around me.
I'm going through another phase of my life which I'm calling it "construction phase". Changing and upgrading one thing at a time. Once it's fully furnished, all is well and I'll be able to "fly" well.
We'll see how it goes.
Soon my sister is going for umrah. I missed that place to much but for now, I don't have monetary or iman capacity to grace that place with my presence. I will only get lost in the mist of the blessed city. One day, I will have my foot there walking towards ka'abah with heart filled with the longing of Allah.
Ya Allah please blessed me with people that are truly sincere and honest with me as I am not strong enough to face a sea of masquerade party. Please Ya Allah blessed me with people who I can feel their heart. Don't let me stray away from you and choose the wrong people to sail my life towards you. I know your plan is the ultimate plan and no one can ever over-write it if you don't permit it. Allow me to be the best version of me, making me the vessel to serve others with sincere and honest heart, keep on going without resentment or bad thoughts. Make my heart stronger. Amin.
Welcome Ramadan. May you and me be bestfriend this year.